YOU SHOULD BE A READER: A heartily laughable argument on behalf of reading, to convince you

Posted On July 18, 2021

Reading is the absolute worst thing you could ever do, if you value your sleep. Reading will cause you to stay up later than is humanly possible, and then (unfortunately), sleep until lunchtime. However, reading will also make you extremely literate, smart, and good at time management. A dedicated reader always keeps a paperback in his pocket, and at any spare moment is ready to seize it and plunge his nose inside. 

For an example of this sort of wholehearted dedication, I will illustrate using a typical example from my own life. 

I was about eleven when I discovered the joy of late-night reading. It’s at that age that you begin to realize that nighttime it the best time of day, and if you enjoy reading, you also realize that it is a very convenient time to get out that novel you left alone during the endless hours of fractions you had to do (quite possibly against your will). 

I was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling and telling myself, “Don’t do it, don’t do it,” but somehow (I have no idea how it happened), the next moment, I was sitting up, clicking on my lamp, and snatching up the long-awaited yet sternly-forbidden-during-nighttime-hours novel. Of course, I had completely forgotten that my bedtime was at 10:00. I always seem to forget conveniently at the moment I see a book. 

Has this ever happened to you, O fellow booklover? 

It was not until much later that I glanced at the clock, and smiled deviously at those red, glowing numbers. It was past midnight, and I still had 32 chapters left in my voluminous novel. Oh, joy! I ignored the pain in my tired mind and the way my eyelids drooped. 

“Ah, but it isn’t that late,” I comforted myself, forcing my eyes to open against their will. “It isn’t technically morning. Just one more battle over life and death with a hero by my side.”

That’s what we all think, isn’t it. (This is where you agree and laugh maniacally.)

Now, to explain myself further, have you ever had that terrible, panicked feeling when you hear footsteps sneaking up the creaky wooden stairs? Have you ever slammed a book shut so fast that you physically hurt yourself? Have you ever shoved that dead giveaway under your pillow and turned over in bed to face the wall, hoping desperately that your mom wouldn’t peek in and somehow know what you were doing?

I must admit, I used to think I was the sneakiest person alive, reading late every night with nobody knowing what I was doing. I guess I used to think that everyone else was stupid, because for some mysterious reason, nobody noticed the dark circles under my eyes, and nobody questioned the way I was ten minutes late for breakfast every morning. 

Now that I am a more seasoned and experienced Night Owl, I know better. Now I notice the way my parents look at me in the morning, exchanging significant glances. They are obviously thinking, “Here we go again. Woe is me.”  Of course, I pretend not to notice the way the fold their lips in to keep from laughing, as I stare sleepily into my cereal and grin. 

Having illustrated this situation quite clearly, I now move on to describe some benefits of this tasteful hobby, which are rather helpful to consider if you are thinking about devoting yourself to the Art of Reading. 

Helpful Considerations:

• You will suddenly find yourself understanding your Bookish Friends, who are constantly sniggering about something that they have read and you have not. (Oh, the misery!)
• You will know the difference between a Hobbit and a Hufflepuff, which I am quite sure you were wondering about. 
• You will no longer dream of adventure! This wonderful hobby comes with multiple benefits, including danger, risk, and excitement. (Reading is quite perilous! You may have to fight dragons!)

Now that I have made my case clear, I hope you will consider joining the millions of dauntless, brave bookworms who have found delight in this lovely pastime. 

 Farewell, and may your voyage be delightful!