Prince Pumpernickel the Pitiful and His Heart’s Desire: A Short Story
Once upon a time, in the kingdom of Ulambria, a boy was born. His dim-witted parents, (who just happened to be the King and Queen) named him Prince Pumpernickel the Pitiful. But that was a mistake, because he wasn’t pitiful at all. Nor was he a pumpernickel. But no matter. The point is, he grew up and became King.
One day, when he was particularly bored, he decided he wanted to fulfill his Heart’s Desire. He wanted to be smart. Not only smart, but in fact the Smartest SmartyPants in the known world. And in order to do that, he needed to know the answer to every question… ever.
So, grabbing his trusty horse Milford and his royal crown (to appear gorgeous), he galloped away to find the retired wizard Maximillian.
(It was well known around the world that Maximillian was very good at fulfilling royalty’s requests.)
After he consulted several street signs and road maps and innocent passersby, King Pumpernickel finally reached the retirement community where Maximillian was residing.
The sign on the gate said, in scraggly letters, “BEWARE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE. WIZARDISH RETIREMENT COMMUNITY. ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK. Signed, Maximillian, the Wizardish Magnificence.”
King Pumpernickel the Pitiful frowned at the sign, shrugged, and pushed open the menacing black gate with a creak.
Inside the retirement community, there were several old shriveled men in flying wheelchairs, but only one wizard could have been Maximillian. The one playing poker with an enormous stack of coins sitting in front of him. Wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a pink wizard’s cap. He was surrounded by retirement community staff, begging him to perform a magic show. After Maximillian finally succeeded in getting them to back off, he noticed the king staring at him.
“Ho-lo mommy! What ‘ave we got ‘ere?” Maximillian exclaimed. “Not more company, ‘ay? I wish people’d just leave me ALONE! No more vis’tors! No more magic shows! I’m retired, for Peet’s sake! I need my space to play poker!”
“Mr. Maximillian, I—”
“NOT Mister! I prefer the term ‘Your Wizardish Magnificence,’ if you please,” Maximillian corrected with a slightly smuggish smile.
“Your Wizardish Magnificence,” King Pumpernickel said, with more than a hint of annoyance, “I want you to make me the Smartest SmartyPants in the known world.”
After a brief pause, in which Maximillian frowned and puckered his lips and eyebrows rather menacingly, he sat up straight and leaned forward.
“What’s in it for me?” he asked.
“Ummm…” the king trailed off. Suddenly, he had a wonderful idea. “I will pass a royal decree that declares ‘No One Will Ever Be Allowed to Visit You Ever Again!’”
At this, Maximillian’s bushy eyebrows raised so high they nearly popped off his forehead. “Now you’re talking! No more vis’tors for me!”
With that, he jumped up at an astoundishing speed and ran down the hallway, giggling all the while. After an awkward moment in which the entire wizardy residence was staring at the king as though he had just grown another head, Maximillian zipped back into the room, carrying an enormous book and shouting ‘YEE-HAW!’ at the top of his lungs.
Handing it over to the king, Maximillian explained, “This is the ‘Book of (More or Less) Correct Answers.’ Take it and leave me in peace!”
King Pumpernickel turned to go, and the staff surrounded Maximillian again, begging for magic. The king could hear Maximillian’s exasperated “NO, FOR PEET’S SAKE, I’M RETIRED!” as he exited the somewhat creepifying residence.
As soon as the king got back to his castle, he sat on his hugely oversized throne and plopped the book on his lap. Opening it, he saw it was alphabetized by questions.
The question he opened up to, in the ‘A’ section, was, “After your dog dies, what kind of pet should you buy?” Underneath, it said in finer print,
“It depends. What kind of dog did you have? I personally think you should buy a rabid armadillo.”
The king squealed with delight.
Suddenly he smiled enormously. He had an amazifying idea. He was going to change his name to King Samuel the SmartyPants, to commemorate the gain of all this essential wisdom. He had always wondered what kind of pet to buy after your dog died. What a good question!
2 months later…
“Oh, King Samuel, I have a question! My son wants to go to college, but he can’t decide which one! Should he go to West Point, or East Joint?” said the woman in a breathy voice.
King Samuel consulted his book. “East Joint. There’s better sauerkraut there.”
“Oh, thank you! You’re so wise, King Samuel!”
King Samuel sighed and looked up. There were… 23… more people waiting in line. Maybe being the Smartest SmartyPants in the known world wasn’t such a good thing after all. Maybe it was better to be a Pitiful Pumpernickel.
But these unbecoming thoughts drowned out of his head as a young woman approached him. She bowed stiffly and stared at him with wide bespectacled eyes.
“King Samuel, I have discovered the Hardest Question in the Known World. I want you to try to answer it, and if you can’t, you must declare that I, Millanilla Mandollina, am smarter than you.”
King Samuel gasped. Was she challenging him? How dare she! But… it was tempting… what was the hardest question in the known world? Oh no. She had stoked his curiosity. There was no turning back now.
“Tell me what this question is. I will do my best to answer it.”
Millanilla smiled somewhat creepily, stood straight and tall, and announced, “How, or why, do some people not like chocolate?”
King Samuel gasped profusely. That was the hardest question in the known world!
With shaking hands, he opened his book and turned to the ‘H’ section. No, it wasn’t there. He turned to the ‘W’ section. No luck. He was about to shut the book and admit defeat, when he saw fine print in the cover of the book.
‘If the answer to any question is not in this book, make up an answer which sounds true, or consider yourself confuzzled and bamboozled.’
Confuzzled? Bamboozled? Oh no. Not that. Anything but that! He was about to face his worst fear. Being bamboozled.
He shuddered, and tried to come up with an answer that more or less made sense.
Chocolate is as chocolate does? No, not quite right. A chocolate bar divided against itself cannot stand? Still wrong.
Suddenly, he gasped. “I have it! I know the answer! Some people have no taste buds!”
The woman looked a bit stricken, but she shrugged and left.
The next day, she was back. “I have discovered the new hardest question in the known world. What is the correct way to discover the diameter of a circle?”
King Samuel gaped. Was she asking him to do MATH? With Fractations and Decimibubbles and Numburgers?
After several wrong guesses, he finally had to admit defeat. He was just not a math-y person.
So, after declaring that Millanilla Mandollina was, in fact, the Smartest SmartyPants in the known world, he decided to do something. He was going to change his name again. He was the king, after all. He could do what he wanted.
This time, he would be King Matthew the Un-Mathematically Minded.
Anyway, he told himself with a smile, it’s good enough to know why some people don’t like chocolate. Some people just have no taste buds!
Photo by David Greenwood-Haigh on Unsplash
About The Author
Abby
Abby is a teenaged writer who loves using her words for Jesus, to seek and point out beauty in the ordinary. When she isn't writing, you can find her jamming on her guitar, which she fondly calls "Raymond Fender the First", sitting on porches, or reading.